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Saturday, 25 June 2005 |
And you finally get home and they are proud of you. Proud of what you've done.
But what did you do? They don't
know! They don't know that 80% of what you did was suck it
up. They don't know how many times you've swallowed your pride
for the "better good".
They don't know about that time when you almost lost
it. That one day when it happened, when someone pushed you so
close to the edge that you slept with a weapon an arms length away and
a knife under your pillow because you were so close and you knew if
the other man was feeling the same....but slipped... you wanted to be ready.
You've been eating shit and saving it inside for so
long that you invite the anger. You imagine scenarios were someone
pushes you over and you react. You make scenarios so that
when it happens you're ready.
The anger, you sleep with it, you sit quiet with it,
and you hope you never let it go because if you do then you don't
know......
Then one day you go home. You leave that life
behind and go home only the anger is still there. Still inside
just waiting for someone to invite it out. You try your best to
adjust and slowly you start to live without it. Slowly it fades
and goes away.
But your mind has already changed. It's
been storing these pent up emotions for so long that it doesn't take
much to get you there again. Not the same level. Not the
same edginess. But now it seems that the unpredictable, the
wrongs, they take you there. They make you come alive.
Knuckle up motha fucka!!, that's all you feel.
Then it happens. You do it. You turn it
off. The only way you know how. You go numb. It's a
survival thing. Numbness. Bliss. Divines.
Freedom.
Slowly you rebuild the feeling. Slowly you go
back to being "normal" only the things you loved, the things you
enjoyed haven't changed...but your feelings have. Your feelings
are neutral. Not a bad thing. Your feelings have been
reset. You've been given a second chance.
Some things get imbedded. Some things get
burned. Ideas of loyalty, honor, friendship, love...they get
etched..never to be forgotten. They become natural laws.
Natural like a kiss. A kiss that means more than the physical
act. A kiss that speaks to the soul. An indescribable kiss
that appeals to all senses and leaves you breathless yet at the same
time leaves you confused because of its unexpected effect.
So you do the natural thing and take another until
it becomes etched into your brain,. Until the feeling, the
connection becomes part of you. Until you realize that life is short.
Until you realize that your life, the life of those
closet to you mean nothing without a connection. You realize that
numbness is better than hate and those things you don't love are numb.
You realize that love takes on many forms and some
things you will love in such a way that are inexplicable to those who
don't know. They are communicated with a simple nod, a
look. A silent testament to how far you are willing to go for
brotherhood, for friendship, for partnership, for love.
But it's not about actually going there. It's
about knowing that the love will make you do things that you wouldn't
normally do. It's about knowing that others will do the same for
you.
It's about transition and transformation. It's
about successes and failures. It's mostly sad.......but sometimes
if you're lucky you see the good too. Sometimes you find the
beauty. Sometimes the beauty finds you. It's totally
unpredictable yet it is totally worth it. It's tough.
It's tough because perhaps our views are
skewed. Perhaps we are looking at the wrong things and worrying
about the wrong stuff. Perhaps its bearable because sometimes we
get it right. Within all the filth there is always that one thing
that keeps you going through to the next phase.
Perhaps the problem is that we are going in
circles. If that's the case then i've started my second
revolution. Maybe i'll achieve "enlightenment" this
time around. Maybe i'll evolve once again or maybe we're meant to
go through life in phases. Each different than the one before
until the end. Until peace...then we may realize that all along...It was all about the love.
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Saturday, 04 September 2010
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