Have you ever come home from work tired, shoulders hunched forward, eyes bloodshot and wide, hurting a little inside. You unbutton your pants and take a load off as you sit on your very own porcelain rejuvenating pod. In fact, if I were a betting man, I'd say that next to having orgasms, and running fingers in between your toes, ejecting large pieces of livestock,women, and children form your torpedo chute is one of the most satisfying activities known to man.
It's amazing really. Along with sight, opposable thumbs, and higher thought, we evolved a hole out of which our enemies dutifully exit as conquered lifeless beings after having been defeated and devoured in the wild. What a glorious moment it is to lay to rest the souls of our nourishment. Of course we no longer eat our enemies or children for the most part. However, we do contend with something our ancestors never had to. Yeah, they had it good. Whenever they finished with their daily launching of Sputnik into deep space they polished the old poop chute with simple things like hands, leaves, grass, and acorns. The simplicity of it all assured cleanliness.
Simplicity is now dead.....
We demand that the product used to wipe our collective ass be manufactured and packaged only by the finest of mechanical devices. We demand that toilet paper be fourty-ply. That's right, with damn a U!! F-o-u-r-t-y! So thick you have to ask your bestest of friends to wipe while you spread your cheeks with both hands! Thick as a fucking plank!!
While TP has decreased the report cases of anal scarring worldwide there are imperfections. We've all been victims of the dreaded dingle berry. It's always the same story. Right when you think you're done wiping the damn toilet paper rips. Not enough of a rip to where you end up with a finger in the pie. Just enough to ensure that you'll have to spend hours in a hazmat suit knit picking the fro.
For this reason I propose a new manufacturing technique. Instead of using 100% wool, or whatever the hell they make toilet paper out off, use 71% wool and 27% Kevlar. This way the TP would be solid under the most strenuous of conditions. As a bonus if someone ever tried to assassinate you while you were on the can you could simply wrap your body in TP. You'd end up looking like a scat clad mummy but you'd be alive.
The other 2% of the recipe would be left up to the individual manufacturers. This would allow them to give each roll of TP their own flavor. The last ingredient could be anything! High Fructose Corn Syrup! Gentle Exfoliating peach scrub. Or even mint! MINT!! GENIUS!!! I'd be on the bag next to F-O-U-R-T-Y ply! I'd say "Refreshing ASS MINT flavor". It would become etiquette before sex! "Yo man, I was gonna go all the way with this honey last night, till I realized she forgot to mint her ass!", you'd say to your friends!! They'd still call you out for not "minting on the fly", but you know better then to try risky maneuvers like on your mother.
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Sunday, 05 February 2012
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